These AREN'T a few of my favorite things...

I'm listening to my many, many MANY homemade CDs...

And I'm listening to a song I didn't even know about before I met "him"...

ANNA BEGINS...

If you were to ask me this question today...

"How are things going between you and him"?

I would have to answer the same way I answered...

In 2008...

In 2007...

In 2006...

In 2005...

In 2004...

In 2003...

In 2002...no, in 2002, I was way the fuck more optimistic than I am now...

When "he" left in July...to save his sanity...I know that...in an attempt to change my answer to the question listed above...I made a decision...and my decision is this...

My answer to that question will be different from the answers of the subsequent years...

Or it is over between me and "him"...

Perhaps if I had come to this definitive decision in any of the years listed above, I wouldn't be having this conversation right now...

Perhaps...but I didn't...


I will admit that I used "SOP" when it came to "him"...which would have been okay if he were even REMOTELY ordinary...in fact, it seems that he revels in being "not quite what he seems"...

I know what the problem is...see, with me, he expects more...no, its not even that he expects more...he has expectations of me.....ME!!! who have NEVER lived up to anyone's expectations...

Not even my own...

In fact, if I were to be WHOLLY HONEST...I was NEVER presented with any expectations until 2005...

Which is why any demands he made on me fell flat to the ground of my psychic...and crashed and broke...like fine crystal on a hardwood floor...

Because, I'm not used to my Lovers making demands on me...

Well...demands that go beyond the realm of these words being whispered into my left ear..."are you about to come"? Or, my favorite..."What do you want for dinner?"

For 32 years...that was the extent of it...anything else...I RAN...I dictated...I manipulated and manuevered...

Of course, I wasn't playing with players who were movers or shakers...

Shit...not even false prophets or fakers...

I always played on a chess board that was way to small for my persona and intellect...I also made the mistake of playing with bush league players and the end results of that is this...

I diminshed my talents...

Diminished my ability to think my way out and past a situation that I am not comfortable with...

I mean, what would have happened to the "Three Muskateers" if they had to constantly battle toddlers who used baby bottles instead of warriors with swords? And then all of a sudden, they were thrown into a life or death battle with the "Black Knight"?

So, you understand the analogy... and you can understand how it has felt for me...emotionally/intellectually and psychologically between me and "him"...

There are times...even now...when I want to tell "him" to fuck off...to go away...that no, I don't think he is special...or remarkable...and no, I don't think he's the best fuck this side of the galaxy or that his touch hasn't left a permanent mark across my skin...across my soul...

But then...

Who would I be kidding If I did?

I have been brave enough...no, not brave, I have been foolish enough to open my mouth and say the most fucked up things known to man to "him"...I have made stances with "him" that any other man would have gladly said "fuck you bitch" as they opened and slammed the door...

Yet...I am not and probably will never be brave enough to look him in the eye and tell him....

"It is over"...

Since July, 2009...I have been at war...

Not with cheesecake or cookies or the #1 value meal at McDonald's (hold the lettuce)...

I have been at war with myself...

With the self I created out of loneliness...fear and atrophy...

And the self I am creating out of intellect...patience...wit....and bravado...

It is a day to day battle...to see which one will win...

Yet...I know, deep in my heart when the contest will be decided...

It will be decided by "him"...based on "me"...