Am I Blue...

Actually, I'm not feeling blue...well, I'm feeling more of a sky blue...which is quite happy looking...if you think about it...

This year...the year before this year...and so on and so forth...I always felt like a piece of trash caught in a drain sprout...just drifting wherever the current took me...never navigating a damn thing...

That was life....reacting...NEVER being proactive...

I know, I know, this is some shit I should have figured out a long time ago...and I would have...if I wasn't just reacting...because in order to be proactive...you have to actually THINK about what you're doing...

Thinking...in regards to my life...has NEVER been my forte...

Not to say I'm ignorant...far from it...in fact, I think if I were far less ignorant and self -aware...I would have a much more manageable life...because, I just wouldn't give a fuck...

But I do...

I have always tried to play the part of the baddest bitch...but I've NEVER lived up to that hallowed tradition...I can't cut...because the blade hurts in my hand...and if I do cut...I feel the wound too...deeper than the intended victim...

See...when you're a bitch...a true dyed in the wool bitch...you have to have a "I don't give a fuck" attitude regarding EVERYONE...ESPECIALLY your family and your loved ones...see a true bitch (and the icon of bitches would be...let's say...Alexis Carrington Colby...or Cleopatra)...a true bitch uses her loved ones like a knife uses a sharpener...

In my life...I have been surrounded by true bitches...some in my family...most of them had the title of teacher in school (which explains my HORRIFIC education)...some I called my neighbor...I watched these bitches in awe...as they tore a new asshole into their husbands...their children...their lovers...the mailmen...I saw bitches make men who walked the planet as giants turn into mere children...and children into pets...

Whatever "gene" that must be part of your emotional makeup to make a woman a bitch...I don't have it...and I should...because my Mama is a bitch and both of my sisters are uber bitches...my aunts...BITCHES...BOTH of my grandmothers...well, they put the "itch" in "bitch"...

Me...the best I can do is have a bad temper...pop shit...and be resentful as hell...

Hell, the ONE MAINSTAY OF BEING A BITCH IS HAVING A LOCK BOX MEMORY!!! And me...I just don't have one...never have...I'll get mad...and after a bit...I'll forget WHY I'm mad...and then I won't have the energy to keep the madness up (all bitches have WONDERFUL STAMINA)...and there you go...

So...in my 42 year...I've given up my endeavor of being a bitch...

However...that DOESN'T mean that I won't be bitchy...

From time...to time...

Day One...Follow The Sun

I used to blog quite a bit back in the day...

When Yahoo first created 360...I was a damn fool...spilling all of my thoughts and hopes and dirty wishes all over the internet as if it were a glass of kool-aid that I knocked off my damn night stand...

I wrote...and debated...flirted and made many connections...none that I pulled out of the computer into my real life...well...a few...I'll go into those later...this is just the "getting to know you phase"...

I don't know who will read this...I'm thinking I'm typing this out for my viewing pleasure alone...

Over the years...I haven't done many things just for myself...I mean...good things...healthy things...over the years...the things I have done for myself would rate quite nicely in a masochist's lifestyle magazine...figuratively...not literally (shit, THAT would have been fun)!

So...it's almost the end of 2009...I'm 42 years old...and I have the next 40 years to plot out...

That's what this is about...

Bear with me now...