These AREN'T a few of my favorite things...

I'm listening to my many, many MANY homemade CDs...

And I'm listening to a song I didn't even know about before I met "him"...

ANNA BEGINS...

If you were to ask me this question today...

"How are things going between you and him"?

I would have to answer the same way I answered...

In 2008...

In 2007...

In 2006...

In 2005...

In 2004...

In 2003...

In 2002...no, in 2002, I was way the fuck more optimistic than I am now...

When "he" left in July...to save his sanity...I know that...in an attempt to change my answer to the question listed above...I made a decision...and my decision is this...

My answer to that question will be different from the answers of the subsequent years...

Or it is over between me and "him"...

Perhaps if I had come to this definitive decision in any of the years listed above, I wouldn't be having this conversation right now...

Perhaps...but I didn't...


I will admit that I used "SOP" when it came to "him"...which would have been okay if he were even REMOTELY ordinary...in fact, it seems that he revels in being "not quite what he seems"...

I know what the problem is...see, with me, he expects more...no, its not even that he expects more...he has expectations of me.....ME!!! who have NEVER lived up to anyone's expectations...

Not even my own...

In fact, if I were to be WHOLLY HONEST...I was NEVER presented with any expectations until 2005...

Which is why any demands he made on me fell flat to the ground of my psychic...and crashed and broke...like fine crystal on a hardwood floor...

Because, I'm not used to my Lovers making demands on me...

Well...demands that go beyond the realm of these words being whispered into my left ear..."are you about to come"? Or, my favorite..."What do you want for dinner?"

For 32 years...that was the extent of it...anything else...I RAN...I dictated...I manipulated and manuevered...

Of course, I wasn't playing with players who were movers or shakers...

Shit...not even false prophets or fakers...

I always played on a chess board that was way to small for my persona and intellect...I also made the mistake of playing with bush league players and the end results of that is this...

I diminshed my talents...

Diminished my ability to think my way out and past a situation that I am not comfortable with...

I mean, what would have happened to the "Three Muskateers" if they had to constantly battle toddlers who used baby bottles instead of warriors with swords? And then all of a sudden, they were thrown into a life or death battle with the "Black Knight"?

So, you understand the analogy... and you can understand how it has felt for me...emotionally/intellectually and psychologically between me and "him"...

There are times...even now...when I want to tell "him" to fuck off...to go away...that no, I don't think he is special...or remarkable...and no, I don't think he's the best fuck this side of the galaxy or that his touch hasn't left a permanent mark across my skin...across my soul...

But then...

Who would I be kidding If I did?

I have been brave enough...no, not brave, I have been foolish enough to open my mouth and say the most fucked up things known to man to "him"...I have made stances with "him" that any other man would have gladly said "fuck you bitch" as they opened and slammed the door...

Yet...I am not and probably will never be brave enough to look him in the eye and tell him....

"It is over"...

Since July, 2009...I have been at war...

Not with cheesecake or cookies or the #1 value meal at McDonald's (hold the lettuce)...

I have been at war with myself...

With the self I created out of loneliness...fear and atrophy...

And the self I am creating out of intellect...patience...wit....and bravado...

It is a day to day battle...to see which one will win...

Yet...I know, deep in my heart when the contest will be decided...

It will be decided by "him"...based on "me"...

Am I Blue...

Actually, I'm not feeling blue...well, I'm feeling more of a sky blue...which is quite happy looking...if you think about it...

This year...the year before this year...and so on and so forth...I always felt like a piece of trash caught in a drain sprout...just drifting wherever the current took me...never navigating a damn thing...

That was life....reacting...NEVER being proactive...

I know, I know, this is some shit I should have figured out a long time ago...and I would have...if I wasn't just reacting...because in order to be proactive...you have to actually THINK about what you're doing...

Thinking...in regards to my life...has NEVER been my forte...

Not to say I'm ignorant...far from it...in fact, I think if I were far less ignorant and self -aware...I would have a much more manageable life...because, I just wouldn't give a fuck...

But I do...

I have always tried to play the part of the baddest bitch...but I've NEVER lived up to that hallowed tradition...I can't cut...because the blade hurts in my hand...and if I do cut...I feel the wound too...deeper than the intended victim...

See...when you're a bitch...a true dyed in the wool bitch...you have to have a "I don't give a fuck" attitude regarding EVERYONE...ESPECIALLY your family and your loved ones...see a true bitch (and the icon of bitches would be...let's say...Alexis Carrington Colby...or Cleopatra)...a true bitch uses her loved ones like a knife uses a sharpener...

In my life...I have been surrounded by true bitches...some in my family...most of them had the title of teacher in school (which explains my HORRIFIC education)...some I called my neighbor...I watched these bitches in awe...as they tore a new asshole into their husbands...their children...their lovers...the mailmen...I saw bitches make men who walked the planet as giants turn into mere children...and children into pets...

Whatever "gene" that must be part of your emotional makeup to make a woman a bitch...I don't have it...and I should...because my Mama is a bitch and both of my sisters are uber bitches...my aunts...BITCHES...BOTH of my grandmothers...well, they put the "itch" in "bitch"...

Me...the best I can do is have a bad temper...pop shit...and be resentful as hell...

Hell, the ONE MAINSTAY OF BEING A BITCH IS HAVING A LOCK BOX MEMORY!!! And me...I just don't have one...never have...I'll get mad...and after a bit...I'll forget WHY I'm mad...and then I won't have the energy to keep the madness up (all bitches have WONDERFUL STAMINA)...and there you go...

So...in my 42 year...I've given up my endeavor of being a bitch...

However...that DOESN'T mean that I won't be bitchy...

From time...to time...

Day One...Follow The Sun

I used to blog quite a bit back in the day...

When Yahoo first created 360...I was a damn fool...spilling all of my thoughts and hopes and dirty wishes all over the internet as if it were a glass of kool-aid that I knocked off my damn night stand...

I wrote...and debated...flirted and made many connections...none that I pulled out of the computer into my real life...well...a few...I'll go into those later...this is just the "getting to know you phase"...

I don't know who will read this...I'm thinking I'm typing this out for my viewing pleasure alone...

Over the years...I haven't done many things just for myself...I mean...good things...healthy things...over the years...the things I have done for myself would rate quite nicely in a masochist's lifestyle magazine...figuratively...not literally (shit, THAT would have been fun)!

So...it's almost the end of 2009...I'm 42 years old...and I have the next 40 years to plot out...

That's what this is about...

Bear with me now...